Respectful Parenting - A Precursor To A Happy Childhood

A lot of instances in our parenting lives we are faced with quite a colossal degree of confusion, anger, annoyance or irritability when our little toddler presses all the right buttons. It has never been a fun part of parenthood especially when we reach the point of questioning our capabilities as parents. Arguments with little people seemed odd to me until I had to do it almost everyday of my life as a mother and as an educator. It has never been an easy journey for me, notwithstanding my early childhood education teaching experience, I still have enough amount of struggles on how to appropriately address some encounters without ending it in a non-painful disagreements, as much as I can. 

I do have quite a number of ideas on how to handle young children before I became a teacher and a mother. At least I have gathered some on how I was being raised by my own parents. It was easy to determine what were the things I dislike when my parents disciplined me, surely I won't apply it to my own kids. But those collective knowledge I thought were enough, were surely not. Even years in dealing with children is truly not an assurance that you 'always' do the right thing, because we don't 'always' do it by ourselves. We do it together with another "person." The difference is, we are not always the ones who are involved in every case, and we have no right in any way to control or be in authority just because we want so doesn't mean that's how things are going to be. I don't mean to say that we always 'agree' or condone what our children wants. Authority is a very classic word when it comes to parenting and for me, it has a negative twin end.

What I missed in my collective knowledge is how to do respectful parenting. What is it exactly and how do we do it? There could be a lot of instances when we just have to let things be because inevitably we get tired and our patience is just wearing very thinly at the end of the day that it can break so easily with just one more word of demand. At that point, we lose our minds and end up yelling or throwing things and ironically we're the ones throwing fits or having a parental meltdown (except that we don't roll on the floor), funny to think that we also have those lapses as adults, yes, as adults. From that context, we can understand why children also have those moments, because they also get tired and simply confused how to manage their own emotions--as young people. Therefore, the very power that we have is how to do things with all due respect, and being the ones who are more capable of dealing with emotions, it is our job to initiate how to establish respect in our relationship as parents to our children. It is not a very easy action plan. It takes a lot of time, patience and practice especially when we 'assume' that we are the one in 'authority.' That's where the difficulty comes in, the moment we believe that we are in 'authority' it is easy to break respect, and young children lacks this skill to be always respectful, but we adults--I assume, we don't. 

Respectful parenting is a concept that I learned from Magda Gerber, an early childhood educator, who defies the odds of traditional education and classic parenting, with all the right reasons. Her works are mostly linear to establishing respect to young infants and perceive them as a whole person, not a baby. I have applied most of her concepts myself and I still am currently "in practice."  In my experience applying her concepts, I would testify how almost "magical" it is. I don't need to argue with my sweetcakes when it's time to sleep, I just need to ask her calmly and listen to her reasons why she can't do things just yet, from there, we work on whatever works and agree. Sometimes, we just can't always agree and it's something that we have to live with in our lives, settle with disagreements calmly. It is our role, to initiate how to calmly handle disagreements. At the same time, we don't conceal real emotions, if it something that really entails deep emotional expression, let it be, but as parents, we have this responsibility to acknowledge real feelings, we neither hide nor distract it. We simply accept these emotions as they are, so let's take leadership in showing our children that strong emotions do happen and we don't need to panic when these occur. 

Here is a short clip on how I managed to establish respectful parenting dismissing the idea that I am the one in authority. 

In case the video doesn't play, let me explain what happened. 

In that video, it was bed time but she was still enjoying the music video that she was watching. To carefully establish that respect, I need to ask her calmly and remind her that it's bedtime. She gave me an assertive response that the video was not finished yet. I knew she still wants to watch it. My role here was not to imply that I am her mother and that she needs to follow my orders. I simply had to provide an option for her that we can agree on something. In this case, I asked her that whenever the video is finished, can we turn it off? With a smile on her face, she responded positively with a nod and a soft yes. She then came near me and asked

"later?"

Should I insisted on turning it off dismissing her possible response, it would have ended with a negative and painful disagreement. She might cry for not being listened to or she might cry simply because she felt disrespected. That's where we can draw the line from being disrespectful parents to a respectful and loving parents. It was not condoning neither agreeing to what she only wants, it was called respect. 

We can always initiate and provide opportunities for our young children to respond to us. However we do it, respect has always been a catalyst in every great relationship. In all confusing emotions our young children experience, it is our role to proactively take leadership in responding to all these emotions. we don't need to provide quick solutions to make them always feel comfortable. Let us provide opportunities for them to appropriately work on things and not finish things for their comfort. Let's all practice respectful parenting. It may not go as smoothly in the first 3-50th attempt, what is important is, they feel loved, listened to and respected which is an active precursor to a happy childhood.