I feel, I forgive, I apologize, I acknowledge, I accept, I welcome or embrace her childhood and sometimes when the need arises, I suck in whatever unnecessary emotions I need to just to show to my daughter how to take leadership on things that we sometimes don't need to complain about, things that she can't do just yet, things that she demand, or things that we needed to do.
I suck in all emotions just to take leadership that sometimes, the world does not revolve around her--eventhough she means the world to me. Within those sucking-in of emotions, she never knew how it sometimes breaks me all because I want to give the world to her. But I try to be honest as much as I can.
Within our times together, we celebrate expressing our emotions. I tend to sometimes exaggerate the feeling of excitement, joy, fun and happiness because that is my natural self, not ashamed to admit. I sing aloud, I dance, I jump, I express happy things deliberately and she sees it. So she copies me.
In times of tension between us, I apologize to her. When its her turn to upset me, she apologizes to me, without me asking for it.
Those are simple expressions of emotions that are vital for every child to understand. However, it doesn't just happen automatically. You as an adult should be able to model it to them until it comes out naturally from them, like apologizing.
What are the things that we need to remember in order for young children to develop emotional intelligence? Here are some tips that I believe were very helpful in raising my emotionally intelligent child:
1.) Storytelling. This is a very powerful habit that just brings about almost all important domains that we need to help the child uncover and discover. Expressing emotions is just one of them. You can take advantage of showing all forms of emotions when you deliver the story with whatever the charater in the story is depicting.
2.) Be Genuine. Expressing your emotions should be genuine. Young children are like dogs, they can sense tension and anxiety in you arising. If you feel upset or frustrated, do not fake it. It's okay to get upset or angry. However, express your anger in the manner on how you want your child to express them. If you can't help it, remove yourself from the situation.
3.) Name your emotions, verbalize. This is very effective. I talk it out when I am upset. I don't just sulk and keep quiet. My daughter has also mastered naming her feelings, whether she's excited, upset, angry or happy. Amazingly enough, everything else followed if she wants something, she verbalizes it openly, expresses what's in her heart openly. She even demonstrates them!
When its your turn to be upset, tell them the reason. In this way, you are teaching them to explain what makes them upset too. This saves you from becoming a fortune-teller and added stress, guessing why your child is acting up. My three year old can verbally express what makes her scared, worried, happy or upset.
4.) Be consistent. When you tell your child something, do it. Do not sway away. When it's no, then it is a no, yes when it is a yes.
5.) Forgive them for being a child. Young and older children 8years old and below need our warm guidance over and over again. They don't need our unnecessary comments on what they can not do. For example, if they forgot to keep their clothes on the laundry basket, you don't need to tell them how irresponsible they are, or be sarcastic and tell them "you are a big girl already, dont you still know what to do?" Instead, consider giving them comments like "I noticed you have not dropped your clothes at the laundry basket, please remember where to keep them after use."
6.) Acknowledge feelings. Don't panic when your child cries, gets angry or frustrated. There are times when children especially young ones cry out of frustration, and that's okay. Acknowledge by saying "you are crying because you want to go to the slide.."
Offer words of understanding like telling them "I understand why you are crying..", "I am here when you need to talk to me.."
7.) Forgive yourself for upsetting them. At this point, I still feel guilty at times for not being gentle to my toddler. I even feel bad and cry about not responding to her needs appropriately. You can never model self-regulation skills if you are too hard on yourself. We need release of our emotions and stress in order for us to lead them appropriately.
8.) Offer words of Empowerment. Have you seen those youtube vids of daddies empowering their little girls first thing in the morning? That is that! Perfect example on helping your child believe in herself/himself. Filling them with optimism makes a big difference.
However, empowering your children doesn't have to be overdone. When your child tries hard to climb on the ladder and is asking for your help, saying "you can do it!" as your ways to empower their spirit may unnecessarily create pressure than trying to empower them. When your child asks for your help, offering your hand is all they need, not your words.
Raising emotionally intelligent children needs leadership, warmth and respect. You do not always need to agree with your children, but you are also not invited to talk with sarcasm to them if you do not want them to be sarcastic to you.
The world has such a huge space to express your emotions, so be free, dance and sing when you can! But if it's not your personality to be that expressive, at least practice calmness, kindness and self-regulation.
Change yourself in order for your child to see that in you. You will never be able to see what you want to see from your child if you yourself dont bother how to interact appropriately to them.
In the end, nothing compares to embracing your child's weaknesses, faults and plainly being a child. The more we accept their vulnerabilities and acknowledge them, the better they connect to us and runs back to us when they become teenagers and adults, because we never judged their feelings when they were young.
Happy Parenting!
