It is not surprising when our toddlers show defiant behaviors towards us or to their primary caregivers.
Oftentimes, we get a surprise of our parenting lives when we notice them being so gentle, kind, sweet, loving and super cutie when they are in school or perhaps during play visits. When in fact at home, they turn into little demons running around, screaming, yelling, rolling on the floor, or to simply put it, possessed by a power-hungry devil in a toddler's body. Sometimes too, it's the other way around. They are quiet at home, but little brats in school. Why do these things happen? Unfortunately, it does happen, and our reponses to these behaviors matters a lot.
You may sound silly talking to a month old infant, but establishing and investing a connection even for a week old infant makes them feel they are being accepted and acknowledged, despite their lack of verbal skills. This connection will bear fruit as your child grows everyday.
Recently, my newly-turned three year old toddler showed some of these behaviors (minus those horrifying floor-rolling) I knew she's going to get into that phase too, but even as I have known it, I never thought I was that ready to face the struggle. Gladly enough, as weeks progressed, she became "normal" again. Now, even more sweet, confident and empathic little toddler.
The trick is, she did not get back to "normal." She was displaying what is "normal" in every child. Her "defiance" did not progress because I made her feel she was accepted and acknowledged, and I guide her through how to properly express things, and when it is impossible for her to express things appropriately just yet, it is okay, there is always another try next time. There were plenty of times she keeps saying NO when I wanted to hear some YES, but instead of me insisting on what needs to be done, I stay calm and ask her questions why isn't she doing it yet. From there, we work on what works! The question though is, is she really being defiant? When I gently remind her about bathing time, before I even finish my sentence, she automatically say NO. I didnt know they are programmed for an autoresponse! It is always a NO when you wish to get their YES, and a YES when you wish to hear a NO.
What is DEFIANT (Adj.) anyway? Based on Merriam-Webster dictionary, it means "refusing to obey something or someone." To clear the waters, when I was telling my daughter it was eating time and she needs to put her toys down first, her autoresponse was a big, solid NO. Was she being defiant? YES.
Let's take a little stroll in the park. How do we view this defiance? As an adult, do we also automatically view it as something BAD? Like toddlers, do we also have this (preprogrammed mindset) AUTOMATIC association to their defiance as something that NEEDS TO BE STRICTLY CORRECTED or FIXED? Or do we try to accept any flaw any human being is prone to do, and perhaps see it as an opportunity from our side to model appropriate responses? If you are that "traditional" parent, I bet every disagreement you get from your toddler equates to spanking, timeouts, or other corporal punishments. But if you are that respectful and empathic parent, you'd probably try to turn the tables around first, and see this as your own "teachable moment" to keep yourself composed, self-regulated, empathic parent and see how you both work around the issue.
1.) She's THREE and I'm THIRTY-THREE. I'm a three decade and three years older than her, I don't take her NO or YES personally. Is it a struggle? YES, because I never knew this is how hard a long-term courtship is! My daughter is indeed very hard to get!!! I'm courting her everyday for free meals! Damn, I cant get a yes! Like a suitor, do I act-up? NO, she might never give me a YES all the more! I need to guard my emotions and NEVER GIVE UP! That's the spirit! Never give up on your age and size. We are bigger than them therefore our size is already (inevitably) an intimidating power over them, so naturally their NEED to disagree with us oftentimes is like breathing for them and it's completely healthy and normal. In other words, just don't take every disagreement personally. It is really just a non-threatening YES or NO, so don't sweat.
2.) For a simple "NO Mommy, I'm still playing" response from ALL of my eating invitation, my toddler knows how to express. She is being defiant and that is honestly healthy, I'm happy. What about discipline? She's three and I believe, my child is not yet READY to sit that long to finish a full meal with me on the table. Plus, in my family, there is only me and her for now, it is not actually our ritual to eat "together" with just the two of us. She doesn't join me eating, I go sit with her playing while eating. What's the big deal? NOTHING. What about forming the habit? I'd say, it's still about readiness. So don't sweat on forcing too hard on something your toddler is not ready yet. By 5, she'll learn to sit down and practice table manners, or as long as she's ready, who knows it might be tomorrow!
3.) She might be meaning something else behind every NO's and YESes. The hundred languages of children. They could say a lot of things but that doesn't necessarily what they always mean. It could mean:
*Please, mommy not now.
*I still feel full mommy.
*I don't feel like eating just yet, mommy.
and list goes on. Sometimes or most of the time, kids learn to hate because adults keep forcing them. So relax and stop being so stern and rigid on expecting the same thing every day of your life with a toddler. Rather, I suggest, take these times as "teachable moment" for yourself on practicing self-regulation skills, how calm and loving can you be despite the sudden change in today's life with your toddler.
4.) Just know that a NO is a sign of a strong-willed, self-confident child! They mostly disagree because they are in their comfort zones. They know that even when they disagree with us, we still love them! But when they are in an unfamiliar place and people,they mostly just follow, because more often than not, they are unsure how the stranger would take their disagreeing behavior. For them, it's better to stay safe and follow than to show their true colors and suffer for the "unknown" and unpredictable reactions of that stranger. So be happy they are being defiant in your house, that means they are comfortable to show who they really are. They feel welcomed no matter how they scream, but that doesn't mean that you stop guiding their unpleasant behaviour.
The catch is, no matter how comfortable they are at showing their real self, that is not a reason for you to let their unpleasant behavior rule. Take this as a moment to teach yourself on how to respectfully respond to your child in times of challenging behavior.
You may respectfully respond to them by:
* Keeping your cool.
*Stay with your child for a moment, any chore can wait.
*It helps to be quiet at times when your child seems to be very upset and is impossible to touch him. But let him know you are there to listen when he is done expressing his frustrations. Make sure you are still there when he is done. Do not ignore. There is always a time to talk.
* You have all the reasons to say that you are SORRY. If it was really you that scared, or made your child upset. It happens to me all the time. When I can't help it, sometimes I raise my voice to emphasize what Im saying. She gets scared, run away and cry (because she is not used to hearing me really seriously raise my voice). I always take this as an opportunity for me to say "I'm sorry," not because I did not allow her to throw marbles on the vase, but because I scared her. There is big a difference.
Being apologetic is very respectful, teaching them how to say "sorry" is more authentauthentic than telling them when to do it.
5.) Defiance is not always what it seems, it may be just the tip of an iceberg. It may pose as a challenge for every parent to correct every single defiant behavior, but it is not always what it seems. Behind every defiance lies a need. A need for the adult to help the child uncover, they cannot uncover it themselves, that's why we are there to parent them. Sometimes, it needs a warm acceptance, not a strict correction or fix. If they refuse to obey:
*kneel down to their level and let them feel you are listening. Ask why.
*Allow them to talk and establish a trusting relationship that you are there willing to accept whatever it is that they say. You will see the difference if you learn to listen to what they say, from there, work around on something that works best.
* If the defiance is strong enough, emphasize what you need to while you respectfully take leadership in doing what needs to be done. "I'm sorry honey, we need to get dressed because we are going to be late.." In this situation, it won't help to yell, or scream at your child. We all at times need to rush, but taking leadership and in charge of every situation always win the game.
If you are a new parent, or a struggling one, it wouldn't hurt to SEEK HELP from informed people, whom you feel comfortable enough to open up about your concerns regarding young children. It is a lifetime investment acquiring knowledge on how to raise your young with full trust, love and respect.
Our responsibility is not only about giving them food, sending them to school. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and learn what needs to be done to properly NURTURE them.Oftentimes, I can't help but question the lack of sensitivity among parents when it comes to seeking help in educating themselves. I question every inch of them when they have already seen the "damage" in their own child. We always would get an answer of, their parents didnt know how, their parents were unaware how to lovingly raise..their parents, their parents....then why do we allow to be left "uneducated" in raising young kids? Why are we so bothered in sending our kids to school that we tend to overlook the very essential thing we need in life-- human relations, we seem to lack a LOT of it. Then when our child becomes defiant --- we question other people. It's time to look at ourselves. Time to see how have we been raising our young?
In my very well-intentioned entry, I hope parents will see the urgency of educating themselves. I have seen news all around kids stabbing their teacher and all other murderous act. Can they blame their teacher for pushing them to their limits? Can they blame anyone for doing such heinous crimes? I think the question will always point you back on "how were you raised as a child...."
Defiance is not just a phase when it has been there persistently for years. Defiance is something that needs to be addressed. When defiance goes on until adolescent, a series of personality disorders is waiting at their door. Fixing it only at that time may be possible, but why fix something later in life when you can always do something in their early years?
Happy Parenting!
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