In my daily encounter with my sweetcakes, who is now 2.8 years old, she has managed to make deals with me. Deals that we sometimes disagree (peacefully at most times, bloodily at some), and most of the time, agree. Whenever she wanted to do something that's contributing to feeding her curiosity, I happily allow her. Whenever it was time to brush her teeth or take a bath or do whatever is necessary for her hygiene or saving her life from health-threatening situations (before she climbs on risky parts of the house, during my watch, I always as much as I can, remind her to refrain from climbing on that area), I always speak to her in advance and set expectations at what we're about to do.
Sometimes she follows, sometimes she doesn't (like climbing, so I had to find a spot where I could easily catch her when she falls). But hey, what's the big deal?! Aren't we in our own adult world sometimes tend to not do things we needed to do? What matters is, we have tried our darn best to form the habit, but does it make us a neglectful parent if sometimes our kids just do what they are designed to do?--Test our limits (and sometimes just being lazy and it's totally OKAY to get lazy SOMETIMES). Say they didn't want to brush their teeth just yet, do you punish them after you have repeatedly told them to do so? Some parents do, even resort to spanking. But for me? hell no. I don't punish just because she didn't want to brush her teeth just yet. Spanking is a lazy form of discipline. And nope, I don't reward her either for cooperating with me accordingly (that's another form of bribery I'd say--only that its done after the 'desired' behaviour). Instead, I allow her to express herself if she wants to do it later (I give time,I can wait, but I don't have the whole day to wait--and you can define an abuse of the word 'later' from the real 'later'). When the 'later' is over, I firmly remind her that later is now, sometimes she would negotiate for another 'later' I still give her a couple of minutes more. On the third attempt, it is my role now to set limits and get her toothpaste and toothbrush and initiate on brushing her teeth. I also encourage switching roles, I let her hold her toothbrush and let her start, then I would always do a follow-up brushing. Giving her time is not condoning. It is called respect. But if it becomes a habit or an excuse or sometimes abuse, you can always firmly make a deal and state some facts on what could possibly happen if they refuse to do so. Do I need to punish? I don't think so. Do I need to reward her for complying? I don't think so.
Sometimes she follows, sometimes she doesn't (like climbing, so I had to find a spot where I could easily catch her when she falls). But hey, what's the big deal?! Aren't we in our own adult world sometimes tend to not do things we needed to do? What matters is, we have tried our darn best to form the habit, but does it make us a neglectful parent if sometimes our kids just do what they are designed to do?--Test our limits (and sometimes just being lazy and it's totally OKAY to get lazy SOMETIMES). Say they didn't want to brush their teeth just yet, do you punish them after you have repeatedly told them to do so? Some parents do, even resort to spanking. But for me? hell no. I don't punish just because she didn't want to brush her teeth just yet. Spanking is a lazy form of discipline. And nope, I don't reward her either for cooperating with me accordingly (that's another form of bribery I'd say--only that its done after the 'desired' behaviour). Instead, I allow her to express herself if she wants to do it later (I give time,I can wait, but I don't have the whole day to wait--and you can define an abuse of the word 'later' from the real 'later'). When the 'later' is over, I firmly remind her that later is now, sometimes she would negotiate for another 'later' I still give her a couple of minutes more. On the third attempt, it is my role now to set limits and get her toothpaste and toothbrush and initiate on brushing her teeth. I also encourage switching roles, I let her hold her toothbrush and let her start, then I would always do a follow-up brushing. Giving her time is not condoning. It is called respect. But if it becomes a habit or an excuse or sometimes abuse, you can always firmly make a deal and state some facts on what could possibly happen if they refuse to do so. Do I need to punish? I don't think so. Do I need to reward her for complying? I don't think so.
Looking into that situation, some of you might say that I am condoning her acts of not complying to her daily routines as part of establishing healthy habits. Dear friends, its not condoning, neither conditioning her that it's totally OKAY everytime she says she's not doing things. What was my course of action when she suddenly didn't like toothbrushing? I had to put on my "investigator cape" and see what is the reason behind her refusal to brush her teeth, yes, I do have all the time to do that because I choose to make and take time. Until finally, I found out it was the taste of her toothpaste that made her resistant. She can talk but she never mentioned she disliked the taste, (I wonder why she didn't tell me when she just blabs anything away everyday!). So I figured it out. Come to think of it, it takes one snap to break my little darling's soul had I not looked at the reason behind and immediately 'punish' her for her refusal. It takes a little amount of patience, respect and investigation to sort things out. Hypothetically, it applies to all things that we do. I don't punish. It is not my way of discipline to instill fear. Fear is something that people instill (intentionally) to control things. I don't want to discipline her by instilling fear on her just for her to follow my 'orders.' Another struggle for us is her eating time. She is in a stage wherein her taste-buds are highly sensitive and selective to tasty dishes! She used to love my cooking, but not anymore. She eats something that soothes her mood today, the next day, expect another menu is highly necessary. She still eats anyway, and nope, she neither has diet issues nor anything that's alarming or something that poses threat to her health.
You see, those are some of the few situations wherein I can considerably apply rewards or punishments supposedly, but I decline to do so. There is no reason for me to give reward on something that she needs to do, but don't get me wrong, I give gifts but not for doing what I ask her to do. There is no reason for me to punish if the needed and respectful actions are done. I view punishments as something that's intentionally done to let someone suffer in order to realize mistakes. It may be effective and appropriate for someone who is already an adult or secondary students capable of evaluating misplaced behavior. But to toddlers who lack the skills of fully understanding the world around them, I don't think punishments are necessary, WHATEVER form it is. In my experience as a mother and a teacher, I talk and keep repeating myself day in and out. I don't expect young toddlers to RIGIDLY follow routines AT ALL TIMES. They are designed to break rules, and your appropriate response and leadership is much needed, not breaking their hearts and self-esteem.
I am in the position right now that every move I make is being carefully watched, so every response I do, I try as much as my human capacity, to respond accordingly. She intently looks at every response I make. But still being human, I am very much capable of getting green and nasty, and when that happens, I just had to let it out and she sees me getting angry. I let her see me get angry. She sees how my facial expression turns sour, she sees how my tone of voice changes, and of course, she sees me yell (but as much as I can hold it, I try my very best not to and that doesn't make us a monster parent). But what I make sure she doesn't see from me is throwing stuff when I'm angered. Hitting something or spanking her. It is very easy to release parental anger, especially when limits are being pushed and tested. I view punishments more as a release of our anger, rather than teaching them lessons. It feels both bad and good releasing our stress through spanking them, yelling them hard, giving time-outs and after doing such, we feel bad at how we released our own misplaced emotions as adults, then we say 'I love you' (and mostly explain afterwards--which contradicts to my belief that most of the time, young kids usually remember WHAT YOU DO THAN WHAT YOU SAY) after every hit or punishment is being done, doesn't that sound confusing to the already-confused young kids?
What about giving punishments as consequence to an undesirable act, like grabbing important stuff such as passports, keys or probably hitting daddy's face hard? Do we necessarily punish them? For important stuff first (they ALWAYS love to grab things that's darn important to us and prompt us to fall on our seats and scream NOOOOO!!!) I'd love to take passport as one very important stuff that my daughter always scavenge from my bag (my bag is her favorite toy by the way where most important stuff are there and you cant just safe-proof your bag at all times). I'm still not convinced to punish her, instead, I calmly tell her that "you are holding my passport, that is a very important thing for mommy, I need you to give it to me." Usually she would say "just look only mommy...." From there, I gently tell her that "we can look at it together and when we are done looking, I need you to put it back in my bag." IT ALWAYS ALWAYS works. Trust me, she doesn't harm it or tear it or crumple it because I allow her to discover it with my supervision. Should I scream at her with a giant NO and chase after her, naturally she would run away and we'd be like crazy cat and mouse in the house. Should I panic and grab it immediately from her hand, my passport would be dismantled, and it would defeat my purpose on trying to save it from its death. What about hitting daddy's face hard? This requires strategy and sometimes giving flat affect on every hit works. This could just be a phase or you are giving too much attention to make the hitting end. And NO, it doesn't require me to hit her back (as a punishment) to make her feel how it feels to be hit. In every attempt to hit, we can also defend ourselves by holding their hand and prompt them by saying "you are about to hit me, I cannot let you do that..." Encourage them to express their emotions by talking and asking them why are they hitting. Sometimes, hitting is an expression of displaced excitement. Like me, I sometimes hand flap when I'm overwhelmed (but that doesn't make me autistic).
Parenting indeed is quite confusing already. Me being a woman, I have a built-in mixed up of emotions going here and there, I experience hormonal changes every now and then. But that doesn't excuse me from establishing respectful discipline. Working with young kids is not like following a step-by-step procedure in order to achieve a desired output. It is not similar to following an exact recipe of baking a cake and expect a perfect taste. It is rather closer to mixing a salad adding this and that and see what suits your taste buds better at least for today because chances are, you might need to change your mixture for tomorrow. Happy parenting!
You see, those are some of the few situations wherein I can considerably apply rewards or punishments supposedly, but I decline to do so. There is no reason for me to give reward on something that she needs to do, but don't get me wrong, I give gifts but not for doing what I ask her to do. There is no reason for me to punish if the needed and respectful actions are done. I view punishments as something that's intentionally done to let someone suffer in order to realize mistakes. It may be effective and appropriate for someone who is already an adult or secondary students capable of evaluating misplaced behavior. But to toddlers who lack the skills of fully understanding the world around them, I don't think punishments are necessary, WHATEVER form it is. In my experience as a mother and a teacher, I talk and keep repeating myself day in and out. I don't expect young toddlers to RIGIDLY follow routines AT ALL TIMES. They are designed to break rules, and your appropriate response and leadership is much needed, not breaking their hearts and self-esteem.
I am in the position right now that every move I make is being carefully watched, so every response I do, I try as much as my human capacity, to respond accordingly. She intently looks at every response I make. But still being human, I am very much capable of getting green and nasty, and when that happens, I just had to let it out and she sees me getting angry. I let her see me get angry. She sees how my facial expression turns sour, she sees how my tone of voice changes, and of course, she sees me yell (but as much as I can hold it, I try my very best not to and that doesn't make us a monster parent). But what I make sure she doesn't see from me is throwing stuff when I'm angered. Hitting something or spanking her. It is very easy to release parental anger, especially when limits are being pushed and tested. I view punishments more as a release of our anger, rather than teaching them lessons. It feels both bad and good releasing our stress through spanking them, yelling them hard, giving time-outs and after doing such, we feel bad at how we released our own misplaced emotions as adults, then we say 'I love you' (and mostly explain afterwards--which contradicts to my belief that most of the time, young kids usually remember WHAT YOU DO THAN WHAT YOU SAY) after every hit or punishment is being done, doesn't that sound confusing to the already-confused young kids?
What about giving punishments as consequence to an undesirable act, like grabbing important stuff such as passports, keys or probably hitting daddy's face hard? Do we necessarily punish them? For important stuff first (they ALWAYS love to grab things that's darn important to us and prompt us to fall on our seats and scream NOOOOO!!!) I'd love to take passport as one very important stuff that my daughter always scavenge from my bag (my bag is her favorite toy by the way where most important stuff are there and you cant just safe-proof your bag at all times). I'm still not convinced to punish her, instead, I calmly tell her that "you are holding my passport, that is a very important thing for mommy, I need you to give it to me." Usually she would say "just look only mommy...." From there, I gently tell her that "we can look at it together and when we are done looking, I need you to put it back in my bag." IT ALWAYS ALWAYS works. Trust me, she doesn't harm it or tear it or crumple it because I allow her to discover it with my supervision. Should I scream at her with a giant NO and chase after her, naturally she would run away and we'd be like crazy cat and mouse in the house. Should I panic and grab it immediately from her hand, my passport would be dismantled, and it would defeat my purpose on trying to save it from its death. What about hitting daddy's face hard? This requires strategy and sometimes giving flat affect on every hit works. This could just be a phase or you are giving too much attention to make the hitting end. And NO, it doesn't require me to hit her back (as a punishment) to make her feel how it feels to be hit. In every attempt to hit, we can also defend ourselves by holding their hand and prompt them by saying "you are about to hit me, I cannot let you do that..." Encourage them to express their emotions by talking and asking them why are they hitting. Sometimes, hitting is an expression of displaced excitement. Like me, I sometimes hand flap when I'm overwhelmed (but that doesn't make me autistic).
Parenting indeed is quite confusing already. Me being a woman, I have a built-in mixed up of emotions going here and there, I experience hormonal changes every now and then. But that doesn't excuse me from establishing respectful discipline. Working with young kids is not like following a step-by-step procedure in order to achieve a desired output. It is not similar to following an exact recipe of baking a cake and expect a perfect taste. It is rather closer to mixing a salad adding this and that and see what suits your taste buds better at least for today because chances are, you might need to change your mixture for tomorrow. Happy parenting!
No comments:
Post a Comment