A Beautiful "Sorry": Teaching Young Children How To Apologize Sincerely (Without Telling Them To Do So)

It is not usually of ill-intention to teach our young kids how to apologize over situations that hurt others or ourselves. But it is usually very challenging to teach them how to apologize and just say "sorry," wholeheartedly isn't it?

Here's a very interesting story I'd love to share to you between my three year old daughter and her daddy. After finally reuniting for over three years,the two naturally have bouts of moments together. From fist plays to extreme emotional reactions against each other, observing them finally together is quite amusing for me. 

Her daddy had to process how things work between the two of them. The process is not like rainbows and unicorns at all. It's difficult and it's not always a happy ending at the end of the day. 

One of those difficult times is my husband's well-intentioned attempt to teach our child how to apologize sincerely. I believe this "issue" is not only true for my husband but to all other parents as well. 

Time and again, our toddler would show expressions that sometimes is blown out of proportion (which is very normal and should not threaten any parent) that results to hurting someone out of impulse, even me. I don't take it against her, and I don't require her to apologize for doing so. But, I get easy on her and let her know that she has hurt me. 

Whatever it is, as much as I would want her to say "sorry" I try not to go there. I do rather ask her what is she supposed to say or do when she hurts me or somebody. Of course she doesn't get it at first, so I model it. Then the process goes on and on until she learns how to do it without me reprimanding superficial acts of saying sorry just for the sake of saying it and satisfying the adult. 

If I keep telling her "SAY SORRY TO ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE HURT ME.." That's not teaching a child, that's called manipulating a child, and that's a parent trying to CONTROL a child. That's not the way it should go.

Tweak your phrase a little bit and the effect would not result to a reprimand, control or manipulation. I usually ask a question that would make her think what is the better way to address her actions than directly telling her to do this and that. "You have hurt me, what are we supposed to do now?" "You have accidentally done this, what do you think we should do?" Then when I make emotional outbursts too, I SAY SORRY TO HER. It's human to feel angry, and I need to apologize for terrifying her with my anger, and in any case, maybe have hurt her. So yes, I say it in words like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." 

Sometimes her actions really annoy me or even hurt me. She sometimes jumps on me or leans on my chest with her elbow and I scream because I get hurt, so I get mad! and she gets mad too! So I demand of her to be sorry and apologetic because she did hurt me. 

But what's a child gotta do when they themselves are not sure how to respond?They dont just magically come to you and own accountability for hurting you, THEY JUST DON'T BECAUSE they need to see these skills from you. So please, stop expecting way too much if you yourself is not doing it. But even if you show it, you still don't expect they would learn it overnight.

So I learned to stop expecting and I started to be more forgiving of her incapability of apologizing sincerely. 

I changed my approach. When I demanded her to say sorry, she retracts and hides even more. She gets more mad, madder than me and she refuses to give in, like "sorry" is such a difficult word to say than saying a five-syllables word.

I always say sorry when she hurts me. I say sorry when she feels angry. "I'm sorry you feel that way ..," "I'm sorry you are angry at me, take your time.." Even if she has hurt me first.

Young children still don't have that sense of full awareness what to do and say when they hurt somebody. In fact they feel clueless how to respond when they hurt you, until they get to see it from their parents firsthand, they slowly and gradually understand this is how we all should do when somebody is hurt, regardless of who did it first.

So what happened between our toddler and and her daddy was a stimulus-response situation. When we accidentally touch a hot pan, we immediately withdraw our hand from that pan. Our toddler was the hot pan. She was excitedly playing and accidentally hurt her daddy from the groin. As a response, her daddy pinched her. She got mad, burrowed her face on the pillows and refused to look at her daddy.

Both got hurt. One made an accident and the other had no time to think and the reaction from the father resulted to the child's quick emotional withdrawal.

Her daddy reprimanded with authority and demanded an apology from our toddler. Our daughter continued to withdraw and showed no plans of apologizing. NOT A SINGLE chance she's gonna do that. She got hurt too, she was focused on the hurt and not on what she had done, because that's how sensitive little kids are to any forms of pain, physical or emotional. They get blinded by their own hurt, because young children are so much focused on their own world, not on other people's world, see the concept of what they see belongs to them, what they touch belongs to them, what they like, want, love belongs to them. The toys of other kids that they love belongs to them, any birthday celebration from family they blow candles they're not supposed to blow, because they are still so much focused on their own desires and impulses.

Going back to my husband's demand of apology from our daughter, it was to no avail. I was there, quiet and didn't interfere until my husband asked for my intervention. I didn't intervene too much though, in fact I didn't intervene at all. I just said to my husband, "You both got hurt, you had to apologize first.." He didn't respond to me but I can smell his huge reluctance and I can see his arching eyebrows despite the absence of lights. 

My point was, our child is incapable of owning accountability yet. But showing her how to do it was the way to go.

What happened next was an instant positive outcome. Despite my husband's pride and furious emotional state, he did it anyway. He calmly told our then sulking little angel "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I've pinched you..where did you get hurt? Let me blow it.." Like a magic, our Angel sincerely responded to her daddy, with a soft fine voice, "I'm sorry..." 

At this point, I don't want to tell my husband the I-told-you-so phrase, but he learned something, they both learned something 

Without any word of authority or demand or reprimand from any of us her parents, she knew what she had to do and say...then she allowed her daddy to hug her. 

That's all what she needed. This is journeying her days with her daddy. What me and my daughter had practiced does not automatically transform to her daddy. It is a relationship, it takes a tremendous amount of bond to understand and to know each other. My relationship between me and my daughter is already there but her daddy still has to undergo the process of establishing their connection which is happening everyday. I'm glad I have seen a great relationship happening right before my eye.

Happy parenting!

When in Holidays: Behaviors Coming Out From Nowhere (And How To Respond)

It has been about more than a month since my toddler had moved out from her comfort zone. This is due to our scheduled holiday trips prior to finally migrating to Canada. She has been going in and out to a place where she doesn't feel quite at home, and with people whom she has never met (or has personally connected)  for quite a long time. Some are with familiar faces, but not her usual everyday "people." 

You might wonder if my child has been "herself" when on vacations (short or long ones). Honestly, there are many things that surprise me. There might be some of yours too especially in these days of summer when a reunion with a lot of people takes place, or even a simple family outing to a new place may take a toll to our young children. 

Sometimes, we ourselves lose out of control as we see some challenging behaviors from our young children coming out from nowhere. These behaviors surprise us because they are not "naturally" like that  in their comfort zones or in their "natural" home. How do we respond to these challenging behaviors? and why do they act up so differently all of a sudden? Here are some reasons why:

Relocation. Whether that be a regular place that she visits to, my child normally is not "herself" when she suddenly relocates. Prior to taking our vacation, expectations were set and who is she going to meet. This is to let her be aware of the place where we are going and people to meet. However, there is still something that's disturbed from their usual system. Imagine a young animal being relocated to another place after being comfortably inhabiting in her own empire, that relocation naturally disturbs their usual routines and other rituals. In other words, their natural day cycle is being disturbed which includes usual play activity, eating/milk time, nap time and all. I believe this has so much truth in adults too, the difference is, adults are fully equipped with skills that make us deal with stress accordingly and respond quite appropriately to the physical and emotional demands of relocation. Our children simply are not. But this is not all about the negatives. This has a lot of  benefits too to a young child when being guided properly. 

Socializing. Yes. You've read it right. Our child may not be their usual self because they have been around with other people during the whole vacation. 

My child has surprisingly been mean to people at times. She has been influenced by people's behaviors and have responded to them based on how she is treated or being addressed, but quite frankly too, I'm impressed. She shows aggression all because some people have been playing on her emotions too! Example is how my father (her grandfather) playfully teases getting her new toy. She reacts with aggression because to her, that's her toy and toys are part of their serious business, so don't mess playing around like that to them. Sometimes, a simple verbal tease is fueling her to be aggressive too, and I'm not surprised. Even adults show aggression when someone pushes the right buttons. So why wonder when kids get aggressive? Our actions are the direct reflection of how we treat a child at a given moment, and more often, even a slight change in their regular daily routine can create a huge anxiety on them.

All these are part of socializing. As much as I can, I don't quite meddle almost immediately until I get the feel that she has been violated. I let her explore her strengths and allow her to deal with it without resorting to physical outburst. 

The influences she get from people is part of her discovery that shapes who she really is and all interactions she get from everyone around is contributing to her knowledge of shaping her personality. The catch is, you as an adult better be there when some of these influences are quite disturbing. 

The moment my child starts to copy disrespectful behavior, I immediately remind her that that is not her. That disrespect is not something that we all should do and we agree that disrespect is not a good behavior. I talk to her privately almost immediately when the behavior happens and make a follow-up conversation at the end of the day.

This is quite a long process and we don't expect immediate results.  Similarly, language development has been like that too! We talk to our infants but with the lack of their verbal skills, they cant respond yet. But give it a few months time, we get the surprise of our lives when we notice that all of our conversations to them suddenly make meaning, and they understand even utter words that we have been telling them months back! It is a similar concept too, when we keep reminding our children, the result may not happen immediately, because they need to practice it, they need to discover it, they need to apply it until they get to understand how things work. Our words are not ignored, it just takes time and patience in our end to keep reminding them day in and out until our voices become their talking conscience. 

Come teenage years, we will all reap what we sow. Whether we have been "remindful" enough to them or not, we will see how it is until they become teenagers and adults.

Anxiety and other Physical Stress. Relocation is in itself stressful. Overwhelmingly demanding both physically and emotionally. When my child just arrived from travels, as much as I want her to rest, I let her. But due to excitement and extreme excitement to a new place, reunion with some familiar faces, she usually does not get to rest after landing. A few moment of interaction, she suddenly explodes, becomes aggressive and just lose herself. What to do? Being tired from all the travels, sometimes we also just lose it. I suggest, the moment the heat boils up, take a moment to step back and take deep breaths. Let your child explode while you step out of the scene to gain composure and face your child when you are relaxed and calmer. In that way, you two don't get the demons out of you deal with it. Someone has to be an angel, and unfortunately, it has always to be the adult. Don't expect your child to miraculously carry the torch of light and flash the peace sign to your face. 

With all of these and some other reasons, during short or long trips let's give our children some break. It is not required to be a mean parent so let us not be one. 

Lessen your expectations or don't expect anything at all from a toddler. The moment you set expectations from your child, you lost the battle already. They are children, discovering children, exploring children and there is no right or wrong when we explore. Our guidance is their light, not our judgment and our aggression. 

Even in behaviors, they explode, they scream, they suddenly throw things and become aggressive, but stay calm and dont lose yourself with them. Stay grounded and be the leader in all of these emotional setbacks. Stay confident and realize that they are in need of your calmness in the midst of their aggression typhoon. Don't shame them and insult them. Let alone complain about their behavior. When they become adults, they too will stay focused and not panic and flood everyone with blame and complaints in times of trouble. 

Offer reminders when you can privately. While my child is inevitably growing and now more expressive and powerful in her bubble of thoughts, I find the need to constantly remind her now. When she becomes (unintentionally) disrespectful, I offer words like "I know it can get hard, I am here if you need help in calming down.."

In the end, what we all want most is for our children to remember their childhood days as something that they want to keep looking back on, filled with happy memories with us, so let's not deprive them of that.

Happy Parenting!!