Teachable Moment: Respect and Resiliency

It was breakfast when my toddler requested to watch Alvin and The Chipmunks from her cousin's laptop. Her oldet cousins are aged 12, 11 and 8. All were way older than her.

Her cousins were still using the laptop. Her request was something that's not mine to control. Cousins were on their laptop and my little one wanted to watch the video. Hhmmm..she asked for the movie.

If I use my adult power, I can easily request it from them and ask them to give the little one a chance. But wait, what will I be teaching my toddler then? Will I be teaching her respect to other people if I oust her cousins in favor of her request? I don't think so.

So what I did instead was talk to my little one to ask her cousins if it's ok to watch the movie with them. She agreed. She went inside the room and asked her cousins politely. They agreed. They watched together. It was all good. I was happy. They were happy.

After a few minutes, my little one came to me again and said, "mommy, I want to watch here at the sala.." hhhhmmm... I told her, have you asked your cousins? She said yes. So I asked "what did they say?" She said, "they said, NO."

Alright. I thought what to do for awhile. While looking at her, I politely told her that the laptop does not belong to us and if they refuse to bring it to the sala, that means we respect what they say. She begged. "Mommy, please come to me and tell them...."

There goes her toddlehood agenda kicking in. I knew what she wanted me to do. But I stayed firm at telling her it is not our choice to decide. We respect what they say. The laptop is not ours and we cannot do anything about it. If you wish to still watch the movie, join them in the room and watch it there, I said.

She begged and got teary. I was a little anxious since I didn't ever want to turn her down. But I stayed calm and firm. I'm sorry my love, we can't force them.

She sat down with me while at the dining table and started to grab the Tarzan book within reach. She browsed the book and started to ask some questions. In my line of thought, I got relieved.

In early childhood education, there is this term we call "teachable moment." To quote, 

"A teachable moment is an unplanned opportunity that arises in the classroom where a teacher has an ideal chance to offer insight to his or her students. A teachable moment is not something that you can plan for; rather, it is a fleeting opportunity that must be sensed and seized by the teacher."

In this case, the teachable moment was not only for her, but for me. 

I thought, had I give in to her request in bringing the laptop at the sala ignoring her cousins refusal, I wouldn't be teaching her respect. 

I learned, when you take leadership in every situation your child is into, small conflict as this won't progress into bigger ones in the future. It was an opportunity for me, to stand my ground, teach my child about respecting other's decision and discipline my child in a non-threatening way. 

In children's world, it is not every parents' battle to intervene every single conflict they encounter with other children, neither our job to manipulate other children in favor of our own child's requests. Our role is to take leadership in guiding them how to respect other people's decisions.

 If in every conflict they are able to manage it on their own without adult intervention (unless it involves physical fights) , we are teaching them resiliency, which is another important life skills every child should practice. 

Happy parenting! 

Don't Worry, It's Okay.

Just before we finished our dinner, my toddler requested for a milo drink while I made my coffee on a cold rainy evening. She drank happily while I did my routine: finishing my meal and chatting to my mother.

She played and was happily running slowly around the house, to and fro. Sipping her milo once in awhile.

Then it happened. I didn't see it, but the milo splattered from the table! On to my bag, down to her books, the curtains and the floor.

She stood frozen. Looking at me intently after I carelessly reacted, " Naaaah!! See what happened?!" obviously in a disappointed manner, but never in a manner of yelling.

Without another word, I stood up and took the wipe from the kitchen. As I took the wipe, I reminded myself how she stood frozen, I reminded myself that it is just a splattered milo, and I reminded myself of my little girl's face, just a toddler who makes minor accidents at times, and that it is better not to say anything at the moment of my disappointment.

I wipped everything without saying anything while she was still there at the spot where her milo spilled.

While I was wiping, she blurted out these words to me:

"Don't worry, it's okay..."

What a reassuring phrase coming from my three year old. I am not only humbled, but I have learned yet again.

Everyday, I learn a thing or two from my toddler from the situations where we both are into. Sure my face was not compassionate at all, yet it was another good try to enhance my self-regulation skills, by not yelling, nagging or shouting.

After the cleaning up, I gently came to her and told her, next time it is best not to run inside the house. She then told me the reason why she ran, and said "tomorrow, I will not run anymore so I will not spill my milo."

No broken spirits, crying soul, negative energies. All was about learning self-regulation, out of a splattered milo.

One splattered milo at a time, one self-regulation learning at a time.

Happy Parenting!

I Kissed Co-Sleeping Goodbye (Lessons Learned)

I Kissed Co-Sleeping Goodbye (Lessons Learned)

I built a fairy-themed reading nook for my toddler inside our small-spaced room. I attached book holders on the side wall and decorated it with tool curtains. The succeeding week I thought of hanging a real small tree branch on the ceiling, right above her nook to give it a forest-like feel of hanging out with nature-creatures as she browse on her books, or do our storytelling sessions. I embellished it with some plastic leaves to complete the project. Finally, it was almost complete! 

That night, she laid her sleeping pillows on her “labored” reading nook as she comfortably experienced the area. It was sleeping time, I thought of helping her move her pillows to “our” shared bed across her nook. Surprisingly, she resisted politely. I asked her if she wants to sleep on her reading nook instead. She nodded.

I gladly accommodated her decision thinking that it could be just for that moment, while the lights were on at least. It didn’t dawn on me that it was the beginning. The beginning of the un-anticipated separation of sleeping-- for I don’t know how long, it could be until she becomes an adult. There were all those “threatening” elements happened that night that could presumably discourage her from sleeping on her own. There was mister loud thunder; lights were off, and it was her FIRST TIME to sleep without me literally by her side and so on. But she politely asked me to come beside her for awhile...(I said to myself, I knew it! she’d only going to ask US to “move” our sleeping area!)...but after softly asking me, this is what she said:

“You come to me for awhile mommy, but only for awhile...after that, you need to move back to YOUR bed until the thunder is gone....”

This is not happening now, please not yet. It was an overwhelming confused mixture of emotions that enveloped me. What have I done? What. Have. I. Done.

So much about how it started, there is something that I have learned here. My personal reflection of her having to successfully sleep through the night “away” from me without any traces of anxiety on her part was quite intriguing at the same time very reassuring for me. I was moved due to the fact that most kids her age can’t sleep without having to smell the scent of their parents before drifting away to their dreamland—which is what I now start to long for. This teaches me so much about giving the very essential life skill any child deserves. Let me share some thoughts before any of this amazing decision-making skill display happened. Consider reading the two important points my little girl has taught me.

Before my 3 year old toddler decided to sleep on her own, I learned that she has managed to build her: 

CONFIDENCE. This word is not as easy as how it looks. I’m even lost for words on how to put it as simple as possible. Okay here we go, when my daughter decided to sleep alone, I later realized it was not only about independence or her plain exploration on the new space. It was confidence. Where did it come from? In our daily interaction, she mostly enjoys “deciding” about little things on her own. How can she decide for herself when to bathe on her own? It was from the opportunities presented to her. It was when the opportunity was there, she grabbed her chance to try on her own, and I had to build that trust with her, that no matter how imperfect it would be, I trusted that she can do it. The relationship between building your trust to your child is very crucial in building their confidence in doing things on their own. It may happen on very small things, from choosing what cup to use down to respectfully listening to them when they say they are done eating. I had no idea these small things contributed to her making big moves such as sleeping “away” from me. 

Confidence is a very important life skill we can help our young children. I did not fully realize that building up their confidence come in small packages like those things I have aforementioned.  It only dawned on me the moment she decided to “leave” me, dang! That oozing confidence is just way too impressive!—trust me, it’s an unbiased opinion! :P

TRUST. This is something that is very hard to just give away to ANYBODY. But how can you trust yourself if the people around you initially do not trust you? This is a very sentimental issue for me. As the youngest, the earliest “mistrust” I encountered from my mother has never been forgotten. It is until now stuck in my head, that very moment, those specific choice of words, the way it was being said, the clothes I wore, the place where it happened and how it happened. It got stuck in me I guess because my mother was the very first person I expected would help me trust myself. But it didn’t happen. I was scarred for life after that. Let me share a quick story about it. 

One muddy morning, we had to leave for school. There were puddles everywhere. I was with my older sister on our way to school. My mom left a strict instruction to my sister, telling her:

Always watch out for your little sister, it’s muddy, AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO AVOID THOSE PUDDLES.

Upon hearing those words, I felt terrible. I wanted to rebel. I didn’t want my sister to hold my hand. I wanted to show them that I can do it! That was the very sad emotion I felt that very instant. It may not have the same effect to others, but to me, it has shaken my core.

Based on that personal story, the instruction was very well-meant. Nothing so negative about telling my sister to watch over me. But those words did not mean well to help me build trust in myself. I felt INCAPABLE. I felt the very person whom I should gather strength from and belief in myself did not support me. I was 6 years old then.

This little toddler now, has managed to trust herself that she can do it, she is capable of sleeping alone. How come? Perhaps it was those series of encounters we have everyday that I carefully and mindfully choose what to say. The hardest let-go of my trust in her was when she actually asked me that she wants to bathe by HERSELF. ALONE. WITHOUT ME. I had to bite my tongue and not tell her that she can’t do it yet. I had to support her idea, her confidence by TRUSTING her. Had I robbed her from taking a bath by herself because she just can’t do it yet, I swear she’d feel exactly the same I felt when my mother didn’t trust me well. I did give trust a shot. It was very hard since bathing involves water—which we can associate to drowning and all sorts of horrible bathroom accidents. But there are a thousand ways to manage without sending them the message that they are incapable little beings. 

I did not despise my mother after that and I do not despise her now. It just so happened that it felt terrible not being trusted by the person you trust the most. Like I said, essential life skills come in small packages. Very simple daily encounters such as these can be a lifetime heartbreaker or could save your little from having trust issues about him/herself. So better be careful what to say and be mindful in choosing your words. 

Although trust is not necessarily an “active” verb, we can’t just say “good” things to them without showing our gestures that we do honestly trust them. We can’t tell them to “go on bathe by yourself, I trust you”, but then again, there you go obviously showing them that you are fidgeting with panic and fear drenched in cold sweats. What I’m saying is, when you say you trust them, at least show it to them that you really do. Young children are highly sensitive to body signals and physical gestures. 

Consider your colleague, your “trusted” friend, your boss or perhaps a loved one would challenge your capabilities by saying “hey, I think you can’t run that 5km dash marathon, you look heavy, your heart just can’t make it, you don’t look athletic, you just can’t make it..” Wouldn’t it feel insulting, making you gather all your guts by showing them all your skills, perhaps even back talking? Why? Because it just doesn’t feel right when people question your capabilities and simply show you they don’t trust you enough. That is a negative motivation.  It feels the same way for toddlers even babies! 

Instead of saying:

• Stop climbing on the stairs; you don’t know how to use the stairs yet!
• Don’t climb the window it will break your arms!
• Stop playing inside the bathroom you might drown!
• Let me tie your shoelace because you’re too slow.
• Stop washing the dishes your hands are too small you might break it!

Consider saying:

• I see you are interested on climbing the stairs, let’s go and explore it together!
• I feel you love to use your muscle strength by climbing on the window, let me stand behind you in case you fall.
• You love exploring the water don’t you? Let me fill the small basin for you. (If it’s not bathing time, you can always say firmly: I know it feels good to play with the water, but it’s not bathing time yet, how about we play fill-in-the-cups with water at the living room so we don’t get you soaked?)
• Tying a shoelace feels interesting, but I think we are running late for our appointment, how about we do it together for now?
• Washing dishes is a wonderful house chore, can we do it together?
• 
  

Trust does not necessarily have to be torturous for us, parents or caregivers. When things are a bit too risky for them to even try, you can always offer words that don’t necessarily make them think less about their own capabilities. Young children are capable beings who need constant guidance from the adults around them, not constant rants that would make them question their own capabilities, thus leaving them always anxious and untrusting about their own self. 

If it seems very difficult for you to let-go of your trust, at least do not let your child hear it from you.

My little girl has taught me how trust is built. It was a process that didn’t naturally occur to me. Her eagerness and physically active toddlerhood taught me how to let go and trust in her. Her wishes pushed me to stop being so hyper-protective when she wanted to climb our window grills. She has taught me to stop worrying when she runs freely on a vast grassy ground. There were so many missed moments I did not trust her so well, I regret it. But I have learned.  

Along with my motherhood journey, is her daddy, who made a colossal impact of letting go with my trust issues to our daughter and simply showed me how to fully trust our little tot. He has shown me, that allowing our child ride a toy car by herself has liberated our daughter with the strong feeling of confidence, independence and strong sense of self-trust at that moment. I give my husband the full credit at being better in providing our daughter a strong dose of taking bold risks. I’ am still working at it though, but with the results I have seen so far, I can only get better. One confidence and trust-building at a time, one growing confident and self-trusting toddler!

Sometimes, it is not just about mere common sense when we are raising children, especially young kids. It looks as easy as that, but if you come face to face with a young child, you are also faced with a lot of questions in your mind on how to properly address some issues that's why parenting blogs and other parenting articles are created for parents who are at their wits ends and when all common sense has left you somewhere.

CONFIDENCE AND TRUST, two most important life lessons I have learned....when I kissed co-sleeping goodbye....