When Defiance Strikes

It is not surprising when our toddlers show defiant behaviors towards us or to their primary caregivers.
Oftentimes, we get a surprise of our parenting lives when we notice them being so gentle, kind, sweet, loving and super cutie when they are in school or perhaps during play visits. When in fact at home, they turn into little demons running around, screaming, yelling, rolling on the floor, or to simply put it, possessed by a power-hungry devil in a toddler's body. Sometimes too, it's the other way around. They are quiet at home, but little brats in school. Why do these things happen? Unfortunately, it does happen, and our reponses to these behaviors matters a lot.

You may sound silly talking to a month old infant, but establishing and investing a connection even for a week old infant makes them feel they are being accepted and acknowledged, despite their lack of verbal skills. This connection will bear fruit as your child grows everyday.

Recently, my newly-turned three year old toddler showed some of these behaviors (minus those horrifying floor-rolling)  I knew she's going to get into that phase too, but even as I have known it, I never thought I was that ready to face the struggle. Gladly enough, as weeks progressed, she became "normal" again. Now, even more sweet, confident and empathic little toddler.

The trick is, she did not get back to "normal." She was displaying what is "normal" in every child. Her "defiance" did not progress because I made her feel she was accepted and acknowledged, and I guide her through how to properly express things, and when it is impossible for her to express things appropriately just yet, it is okay, there is always another try next time. There were plenty of times she keeps saying NO when I wanted to hear some YES, but instead of me insisting on what needs to be done, I stay calm and ask her questions why isn't she doing it yet. From there, we work on what works!

The question though is, is she really being defiant? When I gently remind her about bathing time, before I even finish my sentence, she automatically say NO. I didnt know they are programmed for an autoresponse! It is always a NO when you wish to get their YES, and a YES when you wish to hear a NO.

What is DEFIANT (Adj.) anyway? Based on Merriam-Webster dictionary, it means "refusing to obey something or someone." To clear the waters, when I was telling my daughter it was eating time and she needs to put her toys down first, her autoresponse was a big, solid NO. Was she being defiant? YES.

Let's take a little stroll in the park. How do we view this defiance? As an adult, do we also automatically view it as something BAD? Like toddlers, do we also have this (preprogrammed mindset) AUTOMATIC association to their defiance as something that NEEDS TO BE STRICTLY CORRECTED or FIXED? Or do we try to accept any flaw any human being is prone to do, and perhaps see it as an opportunity from our side to model appropriate responses? If you are that "traditional" parent, I bet every disagreement you get from your toddler equates to spanking, timeouts, or other corporal punishments. But if you are that respectful and empathic parent, you'd probably try to turn the tables around first, and see this as your own "teachable moment" to keep yourself composed, self-regulated, empathic parent and see how you both work around the issue.

 Taking from my own child's simple defiance in eating, I always get a NO in every invitation for mealtime from her. But do I make a big fuss out of it? NO. I don't yell at her because I still don't get a YES from her since, I don't drag her to the table, I don't need to even strap her around the high chair. WHY? Here are simple reasons:

1.) She's THREE and I'm THIRTY-THREE. I'm a three decade and three years older than her, I don't take her NO or YES personally. Is it a struggle? YES, because I never knew this is how hard a long-term courtship is! My daughter is indeed very hard to get!!! I'm courting her everyday for free meals! Damn, I cant get a yes! Like a suitor, do I act-up? NO, she might never give me a YES all the more! I need to guard my emotions and NEVER GIVE UP! That's the spirit! Never give up on your age and size. We are bigger than them therefore our size is already (inevitably) an intimidating power over them, so naturally their NEED to disagree with us oftentimes is like breathing for them and it's completely healthy and normal. In other words, just don't take every disagreement personally. It is really just a non-threatening YES or NO, so don't sweat.

2.) For a simple "NO Mommy, I'm still playing" response from ALL of my eating invitation, my toddler knows how to express. She is being defiant and that is honestly healthy, I'm happy. What about discipline? She's three and I believe, my child is not yet READY to sit that long to finish a full meal with me on the table. Plus, in my family, there is only me and her for now, it is not actually our ritual to eat "together" with just the two of us. She doesn't join me eating, I go sit with her playing while eating. What's the big deal? NOTHING. What about forming the habit? I'd say, it's still about readiness. So don't sweat on forcing too hard on something your toddler is not ready yet. By 5, she'll learn to sit down and practice table manners, or as long as she's ready, who knows it might be tomorrow!

3.) She might be meaning something else behind every NO's and YESes. The hundred languages of children. They could say a lot of things but that doesn't necessarily what they always mean. It could mean:
*Please, mommy not now.
*I still feel full mommy.
*I don't feel like eating just yet, mommy.

and list goes on. Sometimes or most of the time, kids learn to hate because adults keep forcing them. So relax and stop being so stern and rigid on expecting the same thing every day of your life with a toddler. Rather, I suggest, take these times as "teachable moment" for yourself on practicing self-regulation skills, how calm and loving can you be despite the sudden change in today's life with your toddler.

4.) Just know that a NO is a sign of a strong-willed, self-confident child! They mostly disagree because they are in their comfort zones. They know that even when they disagree with us, we still love them! But when they are in an unfamiliar place and people,they mostly just follow, because more often than not, they are unsure how the stranger would take their disagreeing behavior. For them, it's better to stay safe and follow than to show their true colors and suffer for the "unknown" and unpredictable reactions of that stranger. So be happy they are being defiant in your house, that means they are comfortable to show who they really are. They feel welcomed no matter how they scream, but that doesn't mean that you stop guiding their unpleasant behaviour.

The catch is, no matter how comfortable they are at showing their real self, that is not a reason for you to let their unpleasant behavior rule. Take this as a moment to teach yourself on how to respectfully respond to your child in times of challenging behavior.

You may respectfully respond to them by:

* Keeping your cool.

*Talk to them and acknowledge what they feel by saying, "You threw the cup because you were upset," "You started screaming because you wanted to say something, I hear you now, tell me what do you want to say.."
*Stay with your child for a moment, any chore can wait.
*It helps to be quiet at times when your child seems to be very upset and is impossible to touch him. But let him know you are there to listen when he is done expressing his frustrations. Make sure you are still there when he is done. Do not ignore. There is always a time to talk.
* You have all the reasons to say that you are SORRY. If it was really you that scared, or made your child upset. It happens to me all the time. When I can't help it, sometimes I raise my voice to emphasize what Im saying. She gets scared, run away and cry (because she is not used to hearing me really seriously raise my voice). I always take this as an opportunity for me to say "I'm sorry," not because I did not allow her to throw marbles on the vase, but because I scared her. There is big a difference.

Being apologetic is very respectful, teaching them how to say "sorry" is more authentauthentic than telling  them when to do it.

5.) Defiance is not always what it seems, it may be just the tip of an iceberg. It may pose as a challenge for every parent to correct every single defiant behavior, but it is not always what it seems. Behind every defiance lies a need. A need for the adult to help the child uncover, they cannot uncover it themselves, that's why we are there to parent them. Sometimes, it needs a warm acceptance, not a strict correction or fix. If they refuse to obey:

*kneel down to their level and let them feel you are listening. Ask why.
*Allow them to talk and establish a trusting relationship that you are there willing to accept whatever it is that they say. You will see the difference if you learn to listen to what they say, from there, work around on something that works best.
* If the defiance is strong enough, emphasize what you need to while you respectfully take leadership in doing what needs to be done. "I'm sorry honey, we need to get dressed because we are going to be late.."  In this situation, it won't help to yell, or scream at your child. We all at times need to rush, but taking leadership and in charge of every situation always win the game.

If you are a new parent, or a struggling one, it wouldn't hurt to SEEK HELP from informed people, whom you feel comfortable enough to open up about your concerns regarding young children. It is a lifetime investment acquiring knowledge on how to raise your young with full trust, love and respect.

 Our responsibility is not only about giving them food, sending them to school. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and learn what needs to be done to properly NURTURE them.

Oftentimes, I can't help but question the lack of sensitivity among parents when it comes to seeking help in educating themselves. I question every inch of them when they have already seen the "damage" in their own child. We always would get an answer of, their parents didnt know how, their parents were unaware how to lovingly raise..their parents, their parents....then why do we allow to be left "uneducated" in raising young kids? Why are we so bothered in sending our kids to school that we tend to overlook the very essential thing we need in life-- human relations, we seem to lack a LOT of it. Then when our child becomes defiant --- we question other people. It's time to look at ourselves. Time to see how have we been raising our young?

In my very well-intentioned entry, I hope parents will see the urgency of educating themselves. I have seen news all around kids stabbing their teacher and all other murderous act. Can they blame their teacher for pushing them to their limits? Can they blame anyone for doing such heinous crimes? I think the question will always point you back on "how were you raised as a child...."



Defiance is not just a phase when it has been there persistently for years. Defiance is something that needs to be addressed. When defiance goes on until adolescent, a series of personality disorders is waiting at their door. Fixing it only at that time may be possible, but why fix something later in life when you can always do something in their early years?

Happy Parenting!

Toddler Readiness Matters

Today marked my sweetcakes' 5th day bathing by herself. It's bittersweet. She has her own independence now, practiced at its best. I waited until the fifth day to somehow "rejoice" in the sense that it made my motherhood days felt the sense of fulfilment. Another milestone marked on the walls of my heart. I waited for the fifth day as well to see the consistency when she decided to bathe by herself..indeed, she consistently chose to do it by herself, at her age of three.

It was Monday when all of a sudden she told me, "Mommy, I want to bathe by myself." It was quite surprising for me to hear that, as our routine is always the two of us in the shower. But that day, she asked for it. I let her. Of course with close supervision.

The first day, I couldn't help but kept peeping at her by the slightly opened door, a curious mom would be doing the same thing I did, for safety and of course, just being sneaky. From outside, I asked her if she has put soap on her arms, armpits, legs, etc. she replied, "not yet mommy" so I waited..in less than a minute, I saw her small hand reaching for the soap. I beamed with a mixed feeling. She's not a baby anymore.

I tried, with all my sneaky moves to peep again, but she caught me! She pushed the door and emphasized, "Don't see my p*p*!" I hurriedly answered back, "I'm just checking for the soap!" Outside the toilet door, I realized she really meant it when she said she wanted to do it on her own, I can no longer interrupt (though not strictly as I still have to double check on her inside), I need to respect her "privacy."

When she was done bathing, I excitedly wrapped her with the towel and asked her how it went. But she moved away from me and said "Don't wipe me! I want to wipe myself" Quite ridiculous this independence thing! I just don't know how much I actually like it! It's robbing my time with my baby! Power struggle, eh?! Nah, not really. I am giving her all the space she needs.

I used to hold her in my arms, cup her face with my big hands, lather her with soap and play bubbles together, wipe her dry...but I don't think I still have so much of that after her consistent 5days self-bathing. She's practiced so much independence eversince she realized she can do it on her own, right before I even realized it.

And on her fifth day, she asked to brush her teeth, by herself. That is something I cannot allow just yet. She asked for it in fact even before, but she would calmly surrender by taking turns, she does it by herself first, then she I would brush her after her turn. That's what I also did today, though quite a struggle, since she wouldn't let go of the toothbrush! Well, this time, I surrendered, gave her the opportunity to do it. Yet, we still ended with my turn.

Then again, I wanted so much more. More of our bathing moments together. How come she suddenly didn't want me in? Is this the same feeling I'd feel when she wouldn't want me to play with her anymore? When she would no longer feel the need to call me for bedtime? Ask for milk, read aloud to her, or maybe hug her...? It is big deal for me, after all, I have spent almost all of my days for three years with her. Now this. Independence would just freely take it away from me. Not a good feeling.

On a positive light, this situation is one good example that children, as young as three years old, are capable of doing things, BUT, it has so much to do with readiness and providing opportunities for them to practice the needed skills in life. Readiness, in all sorts of every child's life, be it about sitting,rolling, walking and the list goes on. As for me, I am so guilty for walking my baby when she was only less than 12 months and at that time, my sweetcakes was not really trying to navigate a lot on her own, it was quite pushy on my part to walk her...only I found out later about the importance of readiness and how parents should respect their child's developmental readiness and rather, be patient, wait and be surprised!

It doesn't matter whether your child learns to shower later than 3, in fact it is nothing standard. What matters is, whenever they ask to do something on their own, do not deny them the chance to learn things on their own as long as it is far from tearing their bones apart. Be there to simply make them feel they can do it, build their confidence.

What did I learn about my child's readiness for self-bathing? I learned that a child can always do something ONLY when they are ready. That is true with the rest of every child's developmental milestones as well. They know what they are capable of doing and they will always do things anyway no matter how risky we think it is. But isn't it important too that our children need to see it from us that we believe in them? Had I stopped her from bathing herself-- because my paranoia is just around the corner-- would it be more damaging to her self-confidence that I, as her mother, is not trusting her? I have learned that, allowing my child to try it on her own, I am giving her a gift of a lifetime -- belief in herself that she can do it no matter how imperfect it is on her first tries. She did it, anyway.


Happy parenting!

Intervention At Play and Development: When Is Too Much, Too Much.

Sure we have been reading a lot of blog entries or articles about child play and child development. We know that play is learning itself. But as an adult supervising young child, how do you know when to stop interrupting or start intervening? These things surely don't come with a specialized handbook for us to stay guided point by point, because certainly, there is no standardized approach in everything. Being with a young child, everything else should be customized according to their individual interests and developmental phase.

What exactly is individual interest? In its simplest form, let me give you an example. In our daily routine with my sweetcakes, I always make it a point that I'm giving her enough freedom to choose the pyjamas she likes. It has always been our routine after bathing, I let her choose by herself which one she wants to wear. There are times, I trim it down to preparing two pj's and let her choose which one suits her mood for the day. Indeed, she gets the feeling that her choices are ok, and we settle with it.

Another example of individual interest is about colors. Most adults primarily already has a built-in stereotyping when it comes to colors and so with other toys. Blue is for boys and pink is only for girls. One time, I needed to buy her a new toilet seat. The lady apparently offered automatically the only available color she believes suitable for girls. I looked at my little toddler looking like it didn't suit her taste, so I told the lady, give me another toilet seat whatever the color is. My sweetcakes interestingly examined the choices, one is pink and the other is blue. I knelt down to her level and asked, which one do you like here? She gently pointed to the blue one. I asked her again, are you sure you like this than the other one? She said, "yes." So I then added, that choice is nice! You've got cute animal design on it! She squealed excitedly and told me she's gona hold on to it when taking "poopo" so she wouldn't fall.



Looking at the two examples, most of us tend to choose things WE would want for them. Adults ALWAYS feel that we know better than them. Seriously, when it comes to child interest, how many times have we intervened too much, to choose this and that, blue is for boys, kitchen set is only for girls, and dolls are EXCLUSIVELY for girls? No freaking way! Who says that household tools toy set is only for boys? Apparently, I have saved your time researching loads of resources that says pink is only for girls and computers are only for boys. There is none. It's just US and our stereotypical minds.

If we keep on intervening a lot on simple choices of our young children, we are teaching them to be dependent and insecure about their own decision-making skills later in life. There are so many helicopter parents who never had bad intentions, and are still clueless about it. But those who grew up to these types of parents can always look back and make changes on how to raise their own.

Even when our kids are at play, The moment we step in to their world of play, we intervene. It is very critical to evaluate our phrases first before we utter things to them. Not all play intervention is harmful, in fact we sometimes need to intervene. But how do we know when it is already becoming too much and when it is not?  When a child plays, it would be helpful to observe them and not disrupt them.

Observation is the key. Quietly observe them first and stop telling them what to do, telling them what to do is too much intervention already, I'd say, its more similar to intrusion. Things like "this is how a dinosaur should look like baby...." is definitely not a good thing when your child is trying her best to put it together. It is rather appropriate to offer our mastered skills of crafting ONLY when they seek help. Whilst it is not a taboo to ask them questions like, "why do you love making this shape?" it might be necessary to stay back until we find them sharing things on their own moment, not ours. When your child is fully engaged in playing, it is our turn to keep quiet and stop trying to "teach" them how things are supposed to be done. There is no correct and proper way to play.

A child may almost always express their unwantedness on something in a lot of ways especially in play. Things they are not interested to would always require them to say NO. At this point, their NO should be listened to, welcomed and respected. Forcing and insisting what WE ADULTS want will leave them feeling devalued and ignored. When a child gets quiet and deeply engaged, don't interrupt. Quietly observe them and let them enjoy the momentum.

To quote from the article released on Saturday, July 16, 2016 entitled Be The Spark That Ignites The Flame, it highlighted the respectful way of caring for young infants and children without too much intervening on their own world.

"Magda Gerber, mentored by Emmi Pikler, traveled to Los Angeles and carried the flame with her.  Gerber'sEducaring® Approach incorporates:

"...a deep respect and appreciation of the baby as more than a helpless object, Magda Gerber’s Educaring® Approach encourages infants and adults to trust each other, learn to problem solve, and embrace their ability for self-discovery. When allowed to unfold in their own way and in their own time, children discover and inspire the best in themselves and in others."
- Resources for Infant Educarers"

Interestingly, young children's interests don't just end there. Some are just objects for them to investigate, explore, discover and see how a specific object operates. It poses a great oppoertunity for us to help them develop critical thinking by asking how one thing leads to another. These are the great opportunities for us to guide and learn alongside with them how a certain color changes when mixed with another.


Developmental Phase. It is a Filipino belief or pride and often a misconception, I have noticed, that one or a mile step ahead is better. It is undeniably better to be one step ahead but it doesn't apply in ALL things, especially in early childhood.  Aiming to be "advanced" and asking the school administrator to "move up" their child to a higher level is an everyday dilemma I face while managing the learning centre. Traditionally, adults take pride and even boast that their child has been advanced one year ahead from their original birth year. I personally don't find it encouraging for young children. School administrators and educators know when to move every child who NEEDS to be moved to another level higher than their age groups and we do it because it is very necessary. It is not something that is given to any child just to feed parental ego. It is appropriately given and it is almost UNNECESSARY and might even be harmful to move them up should parents insist.

This is a concrete example of too much intervention on their developmental phase on the academic side. Young children are supposed to be assisted on things they are WILLING and READY to do, not PRESSURE them with challenges that we adults deem as necessary.

Talking about academes, there has never been a study that a child is required to learn the alphabets, numbers or know colors at a young age. There has never been a research that will testify that studying shapes and memorizing numbers at the age of three is helpful for their everyday survival. It is the society which has made this pressure among parents. But somehow in our adult world, we are impressed at how a young child memorizes the numbers. We are so often get busy at "teaching" them a lot of things and if they don't get it, we end up getting frustrated and brand the child "slow."  As a result, we yell, we lose our temper and break down. What exactly are we teaching them? It is beyond the numbers and the alphabets. It is not wrong to send your child to school at an early age, but it pays to deeply scrutinize the type of school and their mission in guiding young children. I would never recommend any preschool that overly pressures children with assignments and drill them with alphabets and numbers. No thank you. It is not impressive at all.

Sadly, in Philippine setting, more young learners are given tremendously disappointing standardized workheets and the results upsettingly influence their evaluation cards.

There are hundreds of available studies how pushing academics on children as young as 4 year olds can harmfully damage children's wellbeing. Quoting from my favorite blogger Janet Lansbury's entry on her blog entitled 4 Reasons To Ditch Academic Preschools:

"Funneling academics down to preschools to “better prepare” children to deal with an already overly academic Kindergarten experience is a waste of time, and this “miseducation”, as Dr David Elkindrefers to it in Miseducation- Preschoolers at Risk, can cause “damage to a child’s self-esteem, the loss of the positive attitude a child needs for learning, the blocking of natural gifts and potential talents.”

Here is the link of her entire blog which I urge every parent to read, that yes, WE CANNOT RUSH DEVELOPMENT. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/11/4-reasons-to-ditch-academic-preschools/.

In the end, let us not fail to realize that what our children truly need is a community that accepts their individuality, we cannot put words on our children's mouths if they want to express something. We cannot dismiss something so beautifully interwoven into their richly-thinking brains and tell them that a rainbow only has 7 colors. In creativity, there is no standards to be followed, and by intervening too much, we are killing the child's ability to think and imagine.

Happy parenting!

I Love You, Because You're Here

Out of the blue, she blurted "I love you because you're here...."

I didn't need to double confirm from books and articles that our presence as parents is what they mostly need. Not out in the park, the malls, the beach or outdoor, not even the toys. It's right here, with them. I, her mother, is enough to make her day worthwhile and happy.

It was past lunch time when she did her usual play routine. I was with her, though not participating on her play. She came closer to me busy with something she got engaged to. Out of the blue she blurted, I love you because you're here. She didn't mind, but I did.

I came close to her and asked her, "are you happy when I'm here?" She nodded and smiled. Then proceeded with her business.

It is not supposedly surprising to me hearing this revelation. But when it came straight from my own, it hit a heartstring. I realized its not our outdoor trips that made her smile. It wasn't my biggest attempt of arranging her play area that made her happy. It was me. It was my presence.

Her play area meant nothing if I wasn't there to pretend as her student, while she, a teacher. She would ask me to go and sit down and would specifically tell me "not like that, do like this..." when she wanted me to do something that I quite couldn't get what she meant.

Sure, articles are flying and the knowledge is there that presence is in fact, not just a mere fad about parenting. It's an undebatable fact that is it a necessity. Not something you can just close your eyes and convince yourself that it is okay. For me, it is not OKAY. It is never okay to rob your child the chance to be with you and force that it is going to be alright. It will never be alright for them. Our job is to quit prioritizing other things. That's parenting.

When Adults Become Malicious

Earlier I posted a video about my daughter playing along with her cousins. Windows were shut, series lights were turned on, music of their choice was played, raw macaroni was being poured on my daughter's head as they enjoyed their self-directed play.

As I looked in surprise, I got delighted how creative they have been. Clearly it was a fun all discovered by them, putting all the elements together, light's off to appreciate the series lights blinking in a dark room, music on based on their preference. Well, the collection of music my nephew had were all modern pop wherein my daughter was also familiar of.

Stepping back, if I switched on my "adult mind or orientation," or probably my judgmental button, I would automatically, without any doubt, associate it to being similar to "clubbing." But, looking at the scenario at their own perspective, they have never been to such places. Doing it at their own exploration and discovery is something that's non-addicting, and entirely far from being harmful or even morally questionable.

What is questionable is how we adults attempt or jump at associating things they do to how our orientation is. It is honestly similar to putting malice when a child curiously asks what a penis is.

You might find it funny, but what is funnier is how adults think so differently from young kids.

The scenario on my video was a plain example of young children enjoying and just having fun with the blinking lights, showering macaroni while enjoying the music. I myself introduced the series lights to my daughter with windows shut and lights off--to appreciate the wonder of a blinking series light which by the way won't be enticing for exploration if the windows are opened.

Dark does not equate to bad. It is similar to black versus white. These are natural things around. Colors, bright or dark, boys and girls. Bisexual people are being maliciously misinterpreted because that's how young kids are being influenced by adult perceptions. Thats how adult mind operates differently from young kids.

If you are so used to being with kids, especially the young ones, your perception about the world changes. You'd realize how adults poison little kids' minds. Your influence is very critical and if you are not very much aware of it, better get a proper education first before you poison a child's exploring and curious little beings.

Why I Don't Give Rewards And Punishments To My Toddler

I have been taught during my college days about rewards and punishments. In psychology, we reinforce 'good behaviour' by giving rewards and punish unacceptable or undesirable ones. Even in my BS-Education subject, Principles of Teaching, we motivate students' through rewards system. In parenting, I'm doubtful whether it's rightful to give either reward or punishment accordingly. Reward is such a good term, punishment is indeed a very strong negative word. During my (early childhood) teaching days, I believed in the 'efficacy' of both terms, should we apply them appropriately. Not until I became a mother that I started to have a deeper understanding whether it's rightful for me to give rewards for 'good behaviour' or punish my own child for her 'undesirable' actions, at least in my own 'practice' as a mother.

In my daily encounter with my sweetcakes, who is now 2.8 years old, she has managed to make deals with me. Deals that we sometimes disagree (peacefully at most times, bloodily at some), and most of the time, agree. Whenever she wanted to do something that's contributing to feeding her curiosity, I happily allow her. Whenever it was time to brush her teeth or take a bath or do whatever is necessary for her hygiene or saving her life from health-threatening situations (before she climbs on risky parts of the house, during my watch, I always as much as I can, remind her to refrain from climbing on that area), I always speak to her in advance and set expectations at what we're about to do.

Sometimes she follows, sometimes she doesn't (like climbing, so I had to find a spot where I could easily catch her when she falls). But hey, what's the big deal?! Aren't we in our own adult world sometimes tend to not do things we needed to do? What matters is, we have tried our darn best to form the habit, but does it make us a neglectful parent if sometimes our kids just do what they are designed to do?--Test our limits (and sometimes just being lazy and it's totally OKAY to get lazy SOMETIMES). Say they didn't want to brush their teeth just yet, do you punish them after you have repeatedly told them to do so? Some parents do, even resort to spanking. But for me? hell no. I don't punish just because she didn't want to brush her teeth just yet. Spanking is a lazy form of discipline. And nope, I don't reward her either for cooperating with me accordingly (that's another form of bribery I'd say--only that its done after the 'desired' behaviour). Instead, I allow her to express herself if she wants to do it later (I give time,I can wait, but I don't have the whole day to wait--and you can define an abuse of the word 'later' from the real 'later'). When the 'later' is over, I firmly remind her that later is now, sometimes she would negotiate for another 'later' I still give her a couple of minutes more. On the third attempt, it is my role  now to set limits and get her toothpaste and toothbrush and initiate on brushing her teeth. I also encourage switching roles, I let her hold her toothbrush and let her start, then I would always do a follow-up brushing. Giving her time is not condoning. It is called respect. But if it becomes a habit or an excuse or sometimes abuse, you can always firmly make a deal and state some facts on what could possibly happen if they refuse to do so. Do I need to punish? I don't think so. Do I need to reward her for complying? I don't think so.

Looking into that situation, some of you might say that I am condoning her acts of not complying to her daily routines as part of establishing healthy habits. Dear friends, its not condoning, neither conditioning her that it's totally OKAY everytime she says she's not doing things. What was my course of action when she suddenly didn't like toothbrushing? I had to put on my "investigator cape" and see what is the reason behind her refusal to brush her teeth, yes, I do have all the time to do that because I choose to make and take time. Until finally, I found out it was the taste of her toothpaste that made her resistant. She can talk but she never mentioned she disliked the taste, (I wonder why she didn't tell me when she just blabs anything away everyday!). So I figured it out. Come to think of it, it takes one snap to break my little darling's soul had I not looked at the reason behind and immediately 'punish' her for her refusal. It takes a little amount of patience, respect and investigation to sort things out. Hypothetically, it applies to all things that we do. I don't punish. It is not my way of discipline to instill fear. Fear is something that people instill (intentionally) to control things. I don't want to discipline her by instilling fear on her just for her to follow my 'orders.' Another struggle for us is her eating time. She is in a stage wherein her taste-buds are highly sensitive and selective to tasty dishes! She used to love my cooking, but not anymore. She eats something that soothes her mood today, the next day, expect another menu is highly necessary. She still eats anyway, and  nope, she neither has diet issues nor anything that's alarming or something that poses threat to her health.

You see, those are some of the few situations wherein I can considerably apply rewards or punishments supposedly, but I decline to do so. There is no reason for me to give reward on something that she needs to do, but don't get me wrong, I give gifts but not for doing what I ask her to do. There is no reason for me to punish if the needed and respectful actions are done. I view punishments as something that's intentionally done to let someone suffer in order to realize mistakes. It may be effective and appropriate for someone who is already an adult or secondary students capable of evaluating misplaced behavior. But to toddlers who lack the skills of fully understanding the world around them, I don't think punishments are necessary, WHATEVER form it is. In my experience as a mother and a teacher, I talk and keep repeating myself day in and out. I don't expect young toddlers to RIGIDLY follow routines AT ALL TIMES. They are designed to break rules, and your appropriate response and leadership is much needed, not breaking their hearts and self-esteem.

I am in the position right now that every move I make is being carefully watched, so every response I do, I try as much as my human capacity, to respond accordingly. She intently looks at every response I make.  But still being human, I am very much capable of getting green and nasty, and when that happens, I just had to let it out and she sees me getting angry. I let her see me get angry. She sees how my facial expression turns sour, she sees how my tone of voice changes, and of course, she sees me yell  (but as much as I can hold it, I try my very best not to and that doesn't make us a monster parent). But what I make sure she doesn't see from me is throwing stuff when I'm angered. Hitting something or spanking her. It is very easy to release parental anger, especially when limits are being pushed and tested. I view punishments more as a release of our anger, rather than teaching them lessons. It feels both bad and good releasing our stress through spanking them, yelling them hard, giving time-outs and after doing such, we feel bad at how we released our own misplaced emotions as adults, then we say 'I love you' (and mostly explain afterwards--which contradicts to my belief that most of the time, young kids usually remember WHAT YOU DO THAN WHAT YOU SAY) after every hit or punishment is being done, doesn't that sound confusing to the already-confused young kids?

What about giving punishments as consequence to an undesirable act, like grabbing important stuff such as passports, keys or probably hitting daddy's face hard? Do we necessarily punish them? For important stuff first (they ALWAYS love to grab things that's darn important to us and prompt us to fall on our seats and scream NOOOOO!!!) I'd love to take passport as one very important stuff that my daughter always scavenge from my bag (my bag is her favorite toy by the way where most important stuff are there and you cant just safe-proof your bag at all times). I'm still not convinced to punish her, instead, I calmly tell her that "you are holding my passport, that is a very important thing for mommy, I need you to give it to me." Usually she would say "just look only mommy...." From there, I gently tell her that "we can look at it together and when we are done looking, I need you to put it back in my bag." IT ALWAYS ALWAYS works. Trust me, she doesn't harm it or tear it or crumple it because I allow her to discover it with my supervision. Should I scream at her with a giant NO and chase after her, naturally she would run away and we'd be like crazy cat and mouse in the house. Should I panic and grab it immediately from her hand, my passport would be dismantled, and it would defeat my purpose on trying to save it from its death. What about hitting daddy's face hard? This requires strategy and sometimes giving flat affect on every hit works. This could just be a phase or you are giving too much attention to make the hitting end. And NO, it doesn't require me to hit her back (as a punishment) to make her feel how it feels to be hit. In every attempt to hit, we can also defend ourselves by holding their hand and prompt them by saying "you are about to hit me, I cannot let you do that..." Encourage them to express their emotions by talking and asking them why are they hitting. Sometimes, hitting is an expression of displaced excitement. Like me, I sometimes hand flap when I'm overwhelmed (but that doesn't make me autistic).

Parenting indeed is quite confusing already. Me being a woman, I have a built-in mixed up of emotions going here and there, I experience hormonal changes every now and then. But that doesn't excuse me from establishing respectful discipline. Working with young kids is not like following a step-by-step procedure in order to achieve a desired output. It is not similar to following an exact recipe of baking a cake and expect a perfect taste. It is rather closer to mixing a salad adding this and that and see what suits your taste buds better at least for today because chances are, you might need to change your mixture for tomorrow. Happy parenting!

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